Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
