WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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