it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
