The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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