I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
