Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
