On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
