totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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