I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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