Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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