We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
