Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
