She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
