Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
