My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
