tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
