Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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