rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
