My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
