I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
