new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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