we made out on top of his cat.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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