I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
