i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
