im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
