is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
