omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
