at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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