at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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