dude i'm inner monologue high
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
