I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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