Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
