just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
