I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
