I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
