I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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