uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
