You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
