Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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