don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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