We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
