My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
