Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
