I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
