Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
