I'm drive I can fine osifer
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
