I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
