If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
