I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
