i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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