Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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