A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
